What Modern Dating Taught Me About Love, My Nervous System and Being Myself

 

 

I’m going to start being really honest and open about my experience with the dating scene because I think it’s going to help so many women.

I admit it.

I am a lover girl.

I remember being at school, drawing little hearts in my books with “I ❤️ …” and the name of whatever boy I had a crush on at the time.

Love has always been something I deeply value.

Not surface-level love. Not just having someone there.

True, deep, soul-stirring love.

The kind where you can completely be yourself. Where you feel seen. Where you feel safe. Where you can exhale and know that you don’t have to perform or prove or chase.

And after my experiences with modern dating, there are some things I can see so clearly now that I couldn’t necessarily see while I was in it.

 

Being yourself will sometimes get you rejected

 

One of the things I’ve come to realise is that being my authentic self, my real self, sometimes caused me to be ghosted.

And that can hurt.

I consider myself a woman who has done a lot of work on herself. I have a strong inner connection. I know myself pretty well. I’ve spent years doing the inner work and supporting other women to do the same.

But I’m going to be really honest.

Even for me, the dysfunction of modern dating culture and the way people can treat each other through technology started to affect my mental health at times.

You can be strong and self-aware and still be affected by someone disappearing.

You can understand attachment and patterns and boundaries and still wonder, “What happened?”

But looking back now, I can see something so clearly.

Sometimes the rejection was actually the redirection.

 

Pay attention to who you become around him

 

Ladies, if you go on a date with someone, or even just start talking to someone, and suddenly you notice a pattern taking over you, pay attention.

Maybe you feel inhibited.

Maybe you suddenly feel like a little girl.

Maybe you start people pleasing.

Maybe you laugh at a joke you wouldn’t normally find funny.

Maybe you’re thinking too much about what to say next.

Maybe you’re trying to make sure the date goes well.

Maybe you’re monitoring whether he likes you.

Maybe you simply don’t feel fully relaxed.

Your body could be telling you something.

Instead of being yourself, you’ve become like a noodle 😂

You’re bending and shaping yourself around this person, trying to make the connection work.

And sometimes we don’t even realise we’re doing it.

We think we’re asking ourselves, “Do I like him?”

But underneath that we’re actually asking:

“Does he like me?”

And they are two VERY different questions.

 

The right connection can feel like an exhale

 

When you meet someone you genuinely feel safe and aligned with, it can feel completely different.

It’s like a big exhale.

You feel relaxed.

You feel at home.

You feel safe.

You feel content.

You still have your own thoughts and emotions, of course. No relationship removes being human.

But you’re not constantly sitting there wondering:

Where is this going?

Does he like me?

Why hasn’t he replied?

Did I say too much?

Should I pull back?

Should I text him?

Was I too available?

There’s just a steadiness to it.

And I think this is so important because sometimes we confuse high intensity and fireworks with passion and love.

Sometimes those butterflies aren’t saying, “This is the love of my life.”

Sometimes they’re anxiety.

Sometimes it’s uncertainty.

Sometimes your nervous system is saying, “I’m actually not sure I feel safe here.”

 

Stop only listening to his words. Listen to your body.

 

Someone can tell you everything you want to hear.

Words can sound beautiful.

But how do you actually FEEL around him?

This is something I wish more women paid attention to.

After the date, or after the video call, go and be by yourself.

Get back into your own energy.

Do your yoga.

Meditate.

Go for a walk.

Have a shower.

Journal.

Put the phone away for a while.

And just notice yourself.

Ask:

How does my nervous system feel after being with this person?

Do I feel grounded?

Do I feel comforted?

Do I feel like I’ve just finished a beautiful yoga class?

Or like I’ve visited my grandparents and had this beautiful, comforting meal and I’m leaving feeling loved and full?

Do I feel calm?

Do I still feel like myself?

Do I feel more open and expanded?

That’s information.

Or do I feel excited, but also a little bit on edge?

Am I suddenly checking my phone?

Am I analysing everything?

Am I tired or drained?

Am I trying to work out what he meant?

Am I replaying the conversation?

Do I need him to text me again so I can feel settled?

That’s information too.

It doesn’t necessarily mean somebody is a bad person or that every uncomfortable feeling means you need to run.

But pay attention.

Your body is giving you information that your mind can very easily talk you out of.

 

If he ghosts you, don’t turn it into a statement about your worth

 

This is something I really want women to understand.

If you are being your real self and a man pulls away, ghosts you or decides he doesn’t want to continue, do not immediately make that mean something about your worth.

You were yourself.

You spoke from your heart.

You shared what you wanted from life.

You shared what you wanted from a relationship.

You allowed him to actually see you.

And he couldn’t or didn’t want to meet you there.

Okay.

He’s not your man.

MOVE FORWARD.

Don’t spend the next three weeks trying to understand him.

Why is he doing this?

Did he have childhood trauma?

Is he avoidant?

Maybe he’s scared because he likes me so much?

Maybe his ex hurt him?

Maybe he just needs some space?

STOP.

This is something I think so many beautiful, empathetic women can get caught in.

We can be incredibly capable of understanding someone else’s wounds.

We can analyse their behaviour.

We can understand their childhood.

We can see their potential.

We can understand WHY they are behaving the way they are.

But understanding someone doesn’t mean you need to keep dating them.

It’s not your job to heal him.

He can’t meet you.

The connection isn’t good for your nervous system.

Finished.

Move on.

You don’t need to turn a man into a healing project in order to justify staying connected to him.

 

Stop asking “Does he like me?”

 

I think one of the biggest shifts a woman can make in dating is moving from:

DOES HE LIKE ME?

To:

HOW DO I FEEL AROUND HIM?

Do I like myself around him?

Can I completely be myself?

Does my body soften around him?

Do I feel safe speaking my truth?

Can I say no?

Can I express what I want?

Do his actions match his words?

Do I feel respected?

Do I feel more regulated after spending time with him, or less?

Am I blooming around this person, or am I shrinking?

These questions will tell you so much.

Because the goal isn’t just to find someone who chooses you.

It’s to choose someone who is actually good for you.

Someone you don’t have to twist yourself into a different version of yourself for.

Someone who can meet the real you.

And the more connected you become to yourself, the easier it becomes to recognise the difference between chemistry that dysregulates you and a connection where attraction, desire, excitement AND safety can exist together.

 

You don’t need to abandon yourself to find love

 

This might be one of the greatest things dating has taught me.

Being rejected for being yourself is painful.

But abandoning yourself so that somebody won’t reject you is far more painful.

I would rather be fully myself and have the wrong person walk away than become smaller, quieter, easier, less expressive or less honest just to keep someone interested.

Because the person who is right for you needs to meet YOU.

Not the carefully edited version.

Not the people-pleasing version.

Not the “cool girl” who pretends she doesn’t care.

Not the woman trying to say all the right things.

You.

And maybe that is part of what dating is really asking us to learn.

Not simply, “How do I get someone to choose me?”

But:

“Can I remain connected to myself while I’m opening my heart to somebody else?”

That, for me, changes everything.

Your body gives you so much information when you actually stop and listen to it.

And sometimes love doesn’t feel like the biggest fireworks display you’ve ever seen.

Sometimes it feels like finally being able to breathe.

Like coming home.

If this landed for you, I’d love to hear from you.

I absolutely love supporting women to get to the core of what has been holding them back, increase their magnetism and impact, expand their business and create the relationships and life they actually desire.

If you’re ready for support and would love to explore what this could look like for you, WhatsApp us on 0423 611 704 to book a free clarity call and explore what support you need.

 

 

Love Alexis